


You've Known Me Your Whole Life

by CursingBunny



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Some Cursing, angsty hopefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2247390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursingBunny/pseuds/CursingBunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembers… he remembers pain, restraints, hushed voices, he remembers waking up, screams tearing through his throat. Screams for Steve. Hoping, waiting, knowing Steve would come for him. But he never did. </p><p>Remembers the first time he’d gotten wiped. How he fought against it, sobbing and shouting himself hoarse. Weak. Weak. So fucking weak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Known Me Your Whole Life

"You know me."

"No, I don’t!"

"You’ve known me your whole life."

No.

"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."

No no _nononono_  

Not his entire life he knows,  _he knows_ Captain America, but not his whole life. Never his whole life. Seventy years, seventy fucking years of torture and where was Steve?  _Where was he?!_

 

He remembers… he remembers pain, restraints, hushed voices, he remembers waking up, screams tearing through his throat. Screams for Steve. Hoping, waiting, knowing Steve would come for him. But he never did. 

Remembers the first time he’d gotten wiped. How he fought against it, sobbing and shouting himself hoarse.  _Weak. Weak. So fucking weak._

Because he’d known Steve would come for him, needed to be strong, needed to help Steve when he came, because Steve would need his help, the stubborn punk throwing caution to the wind  _but he never came_

They wiped him once. Twice. Ten, twenty. Fifty, sixty.

The hundredth time they did it, he hadn’t fought. He felt hurt, betrayed, and he  _hated it_  so if they wanted him to forget? Fine. He would forget. 

And he had been fine. Following orders, missions. Not needing to think, not needing to choose,  _not needing Steve._  

Until the bastard came back

_too late too late_

brought back all the feelings, churning out more. Hurt, betrayal, anger, hatred. Most directed at himself because  _how did he become this person?_

Known him his entire life? The Captain may be able to dismiss  _seventy fucking years of torture_ but Bucky - The Soldier could not. Not when part of him blamed Steve, and the rest of him still screams for Steve to save him. 

_Stop it stopitstop it_

_“_ Shut up!”

"I’m not going to fight you. You’re my friend."

_I hate you I fucking hate you somuchIhateyouIhateyouIloveyou_

"You’re my mission."

He’s going to do it. He’s going to kill Steve. Kill him, go back to HYDRA and-

_so fucking weak, Barnes._

"Then finish it. Cause I’m with you till the end of the line."

He falters. No. No Steve can’t say that anymore he doesn’t  _deserve-_ he wasn’t- he-

Steve is falling.

Steve is falling.

Steve is falling and he wants to let him fall.

But he can’t. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a thought that REALLY WOULD NOT LEAVE MY MIND so I had to write it down.
> 
> Sorry, it probably doesn't make much sense, but if it inspires you to leave a comment, that would be great!
> 
> Psst: I'm on [tumblr](http://whatthebuckbucky.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
